He Will

 I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed one day recently. I just felt off that morning. I think it was mostly because I felt "off" the night before and unlike the male gender, the female gender (like myself) doesn't shed problems with a good night's rest. Instead, this particular female can drag around problems, under a personal obligation to pet said problem. Anywayyy...

After spending some time at home and getting some chores done, I took a shower, and then jumped in my car, armed with my paper and pen, my coffee-shop gift card, and my airpods. I decided a new scenery and a coffee would help.

I whipped into one of the local coffee shops near me. I ordered my favorite drink: an iced caramel macchiato, decaf, 1/2 sweet and a side of fried okra. I quickly found a little cubby in the coffee shop and set up camp. Here, I quickly ate my okra while I did some online banking/monitoring. After I became really upset about my finances, I pulled out my trusty 5-star notebook that has notes from a biology class that I took last summer at Pitt State University. I started to write.

About a year ago, someone suggested that I should journal and get my thoughts out on paper. I thought it was a great idea, but realistically, I led a very tight schedule which didn't include journaling. Since then, my schedule has loosened some, but I still don't just crave to journal everyday. Basically, the reason I was journaling this day at the coffee shop was because I really needed to. I have found that writing stuff out gives me a different attitude towards stuff. An attitude adjustment... that's what it is.

I like to start my entries with "Dear God" because I like that my thoughts are going somewhere other than just to some empty pages that wear and tear and get tossed eventually. That particular day, however, I started my entry with "Dear Jesus". What's the significance of that, you ask? Simply this: Jesus is our mediator. He's the one that talks with God and pleads on our behalf. I wanted to be heard.

A few pages into my journaling, I realized I was only on one of my 5 subjects that I wanted to journal about. Am I that wordy? I knew I could speak a lot, but man. That's kind of a lot. I continued to write, even if it was taking forever in a day to get this finished.

I finally finished one subject and skipped to the next. I won't share with you what I journaled about, but one phrase, in particular, that I wrote, jumped out at me. I was trying to express the fact that I don't feel like a very good Soldier of the Cross. I have felt this way for a long time and that feeling isn't a good one. I wrote: I feel like a wanna-be soldier that can't even carry her own armor. How can You use me?

When I wrote that, it struck something really deep inside me. I knew Jesus didn't view me as that at all and I think that's why I felt so deeply touched. Coupling that with the knowledge that God gently leads us along life, equipping us for the moment, carrying us so kindly through hard times and cheering us on to keep fighting, made me feel some emotion.

God reminded me that He is the one that gives us strength. If I don't even feel like I can carry my own weight, God can carry that for me. 

He's a big God, folks. 

Keep the fight, don't quit. We are enough because God is with us and for us! 

Lots of love! -Karissa